girlfriend Archives » Vindictive Bastard

The perfect “Girlfriend”, every man knows it’s true too!

Twisted / 27 February, 2010 / Leave a Comment

How can a man deny that a love doll like her above, couldn’t be the perfect “Girlfriend” for them? I mean seriously, here below is WHY they can’t deny she’d be the perfect girlfriend…

1.) She ain’t going to be a nagging bitch, she’ll keep her fucking mouth shut and take it like the little whore she is… And! You don’t have to worry about her complaining on your man size to any other chick. She’ll take you as you are, and be happy with you! She ain’t going to lie and go behind your back, giggling and making fun of your pleasure palace size or thickness to other nasty slutty whore-bag bitches..

2.) They only have to “buy her love” once, once a receipt is given at the cash register, then it’s done. No more money needs to be invested into the “Rubbermaid” bitch. She’s already built to perfection, and won’t need hair care products, nail polish, she ain’t going to need shoes, nor fed. She’s perfect how she is out of the box, and all at one low price! Drop pants, shove in your cock, cum, and done.

3.) Look at them tits! They’re fucking huge! Mmm, I’m getting horny over her sitting there, teasing me with them big titties. I just want to titty fuck them and cum all over her face! Hell, she won’t care, and she sure as hell ain’t going to complain… “Oh you bastard, you shot a load in my eye!” … Fucking bitch can’t speak, no complaints to worry about at all!

There you have it dumb fucks! The perfect girlfriend!

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Just one of them days…

General It Is Said

Twisted / 31 August, 2008 / Leave a Comment

Ya have to LOVE Sunday… It’s the only day of the week that you can actually catch up on sleep, or, sometimes in my case… PORN.

Nah, I’m kidding, that’s Saturday night into Sunday EARLY morning. Ya know, when the Church goers are getting ready for Church, I’m ending my 8 to 12 hour porn session. THEN, it’s time to catch up on sleep on Sunday.

In short, Sunday is the day for the lazy bastards… Hell, I don’t even know why I’m posting this post today, it’s SUNDAY!! I shouldn’t even be doing any “work” at all… Uh oh, I’m starting to feel tired… writing (working on) this post is making me tired. I think it’s time for more sleeps…

Nah, I best stay up and keep my energy building up for tonight’s massive orgasmic phone sex with the girlfriend… Speaking of which, baby I’m horny!!! Damn… I gotta go!! I’m cumming baby, I’m cumming!! I mean, I’m coming!!…

P.S. Okay, maybe T.M.I., but who cares!! Go fuck yourselves! I mean your lover! It’s still Sunday!!

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Fucking debt collectors…

Rants

Twisted / 18 August, 2008 / Leave a Comment

There’s nothing worse then debt collectors calling every god damn couple of hours of every god damn day…

I swear, they call more than family, girlfriend, friends, and general other idiots and assholes you never wanna hear from. Hell, I’d rather hear from the idiots and assholes, then the debt collectors…

Usually when they call and ask for me, I just tell them one of the following:

“Oh, he’s at work. He’s trying to make the money to pay you guys off so you stop fucking annoying the hell out of him with your god damn daily phone calls!”
I’m sorry, but he’s currently unavailable. He’s outside burning up all those worthless piece of shit letters you’re send him on daily basis.
I’m sorry, he can’t come to the phone right now. He’s out buying more alcoholic beverages with the money that he should be paying you off with…
I’m sorry, I’m currently… I mean, he’s currently unavailable at the moment, can I take yet ANOTHER god damn message from you!?!? I mean after all! It’s only been an hour since you last called…
Hey! It’s YOU again, I haven’t heard from you since yesterday!! How’s the family doing?
Hi, I’m sorry but Spencer died the other day. He no longer is with us. If you want, I can give you his new number and address. 1-666-666-6666 and his address is: 666 Satan Drive, Hell, 66666. Good luck getting ahold of him.
Hey there! I’m sorry, but I really don’t give a shit how much I owe you. Oh wait, this is his brother, I’m sorry. Can I take a message?
You know, you call more than my ex-wife does, when she needs the kids watched? And that’s pretty damn much. My as well just have them signed over to me, and you too! Whoo Hoo!
You know, rather then spending all this time and money trying to get ahold of ME, why not just wait until I get ahold of you? That way; the debt amount due never goes up, nor will the fucking collection fees.
Hello again god damn it, how about this; rather than calling for Spencer all the god damn fucking time, why not just move your “firm” into his house!? That way, you don’t have to call and call, or send out repeat letters all the time. You can just wake him up in the morning in his bedroom, and drive him fucking nuts that way!?!? OR, just be around him all the time in general until he commits suicide… then he won’t owe you SHIT!

The other thing I hate though too, is they sometimes “act” like they’re your friend or something…”Hey, is Spencer there? Tell him this is Mike! Remember me?!” I reply… “Wait, who this again? Mike from where?” I swear they’re getting just as smart “trick” wise, than we are!! Fucking god damn bastards!!

Me: If it’s so easy, can you make the first $50.00 payment for me…..? Or give me your credit card or checking acct. info so I can make that first payment…?

OR:

Them: Hello…Mr. Spencer…..I’m calling about a debt that you’ve created in 1999! I was just wondering if you’d like to take care of that today….??

Me: Well…! If you haven’t caught on by now…I really didn’t have any intentions on paying anything on it, especially if it’s from 1999 and haven’t made one single payment since I created the debt in 1999. Now kindly lick my hairy (recently just shaven) nut sack!!

God! I SHOULD get a job as a Debt Collector! Of course, I’d probably end up having to call myself all the time… ah well, at least I’d enjoy a conversation with myself!! Hell, might get better responses and have some actual desire of paying off debts… Ummm, NOT!

Knowing ME, I’d get into the “system” and give myself a ZERO BALANCE! HAHAHAHA! Fuck, I need to get a job at these collection firms… shit! Anyway, I’m out for now… I gotta call the girlfriend and then get to bed so I can wake up to a debt collector calling me at 7 or 8am… FUCK! Tata!

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hotsexygirl is a member of MySpace and is inviting you to join.

Rants

Twisted / 13 December, 2007 / Leave a Comment

Natalie is back!!! Gee Whiz, this girl just doesn’t wanna give up on me!

Yeah, I got another email from this MySpace.com Slutty Spammer Bot Bitch… Still up to her old tricks, just using a different “name”… Anyway, here’s what she had to say this time…

hotsexygirl says: merry christmas!!

Twisted says: Merry (Go Fuck Yourself All The Way To) Christmas!! You fuckin MySpace Spammer Slut Bot Bitch!! GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!

hotsexygirl says: i saw your pic

Twisted says: I don’t know how many times I have to emphasize it you dumbass cunt bot bitch! I DO NOT HAVE MY PICTURES ON MYSHIT.COM, I MEAN MYSPACE.COM!!!!!!!!!! You must have me confused with someone else?

hotsexygirl says: your hot

Twisted says: Thanks! I know I’m hot. My girlfriend knows I’m hot too! By the way, it’s “you’re” not “your”… dumb fuck. *takes a bow to audience*

hotsexygirl says: meet me on msn natalie25snow @ hotmail.com see you!!

Twisted says: Fuck You! I ain’t meeting you on any messenger(s). Last time I met one of “you” on a messenger, it wasn’t pleasant. Oops, did I just say that. Nah…

hotsexygirl says: thanks naty!!

Twisted says: Geeez! For someone that’s so hard up to meet me on MSN Messenger, you’d think they would at least be able to spell their “name” right and use correct grammar! I’m sorry bitch, but you’re a total turn-off! GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

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Marriage = Jackshit!

Feelings

Twisted / 8 August, 2006 / Leave a Comment

I’m sure as hell not an “old-timer”, but, this is so true it’s not even funny anymore.

Nowadays, when someone wants to get “married”, they really mean, they want to be Boyfriend and Girlfriend. It’s just *not* like it used to be back in the day, meaning, when my grandparents were married and such.

Back then, they actually married because they *really* loved each other, *really* respected each other, and *really* stuck together until the “Death Do Us Part” shit actually happened!

These days, people get married today and divorced tomorrow, like a fad that just came in, and then went out over night! What the fuck people!? Why even bother getting married anymore, Jesus Christ!?

Here below is a small list on why “Marriage = Jackshit”.

1) About 78% of the time, either the hubby or the wife will cheat on their spouse, and not give two shits in the wind about it.

2) While one of the spouses are trying their hardest to put 100% into the marriage, the other spouse is only trying to put 1% into it.. which doesn’t mean shit, and doesn’t help the marriage for a shit!

3) The lack of communication, is usually, always, present in a marriage. While there is a lack of communication in a marriage, how in the hell is anything supposed to work, get done, get accomplished, or anything else for that matter?

My as well just buy a love doll and be done with it, you can fuck the shit out of it all day long, and not have to talk at all!

However, in most of my cases, when ever I was *trying* to communicate with my “lover”, it actually turned out to be the wall… but I’m not going to complain, the wall and I had some pretty good conversations going..

4) Numerous of times, the marriages are just based on sex.. fucking 7 times a day is awesome! However..when that’s all the marriage is based on.. you my as well flush the marriage license down the toilet with the rest of shit!

Because that’s where the marriage is heading anyway..

5) Incompatible “lovers” is another reason why marriages suck ass! It might be all fine and dandy while in the “dating stage” of it.. but, after being married for a while …have the first kid.. then it just starts going down the toilet.. Oh well.. fuck it! What else is new lol!

Well, that’s all I can come up with for now.. this article has been sitting on the back burner for almost three months now lol.. I just had to publish it.

I know there might be someone posting replies to the affect of, “well, that’s not entirely true”, or.. “My marriage is wonderful and strong, it’s been going on for years and years..”

I personally don’t give a flying fuck, I seriously don’t care how wonderful your marriage is.. or.. about marriage statistics. This article was written for mere sarcasm and to be funny.. can’t handle that, well..you could always just fuck off then..lol!

I’m done with this for now.. tata peoples..

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Ring!….Ring!…..Ring!!!

Twisted Jokes

Twisted / 30 April, 2004 / Leave a Comment

Well! I made these twisted messages up that someone would get when calling your cell phone all the damn time driving you nuts! JUST LIKE MY BRO DID TO ME! DROVE ME FUCKIN NUTS! He inspired me to do these lmao!

Ring!….Ring!…..Ring!!!

1) Hello..? I can’t answer the phone the right now….I’m either doing your wife, daughter or girlfriend at the moment. Please try back in about 12 hours….or if you want…just leave a message.

2) Hello…? O it’s you!!!! I haven’t heard a message from you in 5 seconds…. well considering I haven’t answered the phone 5 seconds ago or had returned your call…there a good chance I wouldn’t be this time either….please don’t leave another message for atleast 8 hours…

3) Hello…? Knock Knock… (Who’s there?) No ones here no ones any where….Please don’t leave a fucking message god damn it….

4) Hello..? You have reached Spencer’s Beer Tasting Department…If you would like me to sample beer for you for quality assurance….please leave a message letting me know when your bringing a case over for me to try….thanks for your time..

5) Hello! Hello! God damn reception sucks…..It’s staticy….please leave a message…

6) I knew it!…. I knew it!…. I knew it!… Would be you!…I’m a pyshic motherfucker!

7) O God!….You again!!!!… I thought I told you not to call and leave messages cause I hardly ever get on this phone anymore. So please don’t leave a message….have a nice day.

8) There is a 101 things I could be doing, but obviously answering this phone isn’t one of them…please leave a message if you must!

9) Hello..(sigh) Figures, everytime Im trying to wack off for a 6 or 8 hour session…someone calls to bug me…leave a message if you’d like….I probably won’t reply though for atleast another 12 hours though.

10) O God!… Incoming!!!…Everybody duck!!!

11) Hello! I’m sorry…all those damn messages drove me to an institute, please don’t leave a message god damn it.!

12) Hello!…Hey!…It’s you!…I haven’t heard a message or talked to you in 5 minutes…you know the drill by now! Goodbye you determined to bug others…motherfuckers!

13) Hey!…You just called a second ago, come on now!!! You can’t be that desperate, deprived or in-love…I’m not gay remember…!!!!???

14) I’ll call you back when I’m done doing your girlfriend, wife or daughter…have a nice rest of the day.

15) Buuurrrrrpppp!

16) If your just going to talk shit then so can I….goodbye!!

17) I’m probably wiping my ass at this time, but I’ll call you back when I’m done.

18) Hello!..Hello!….O damn!……You’re breaking up!….Can’t hear you!….click!…click!….

19) Hello!….If you want phone sex-press 1…If you want to make passionate love and crazy circus sex-press 2….for all other iquires press 3…

20) Hello!….O God!…The Human Alarm Clock!..And I thought the alarm clock in my bedroom was annoying.

21) Hello!..It’s people like you that makes people change their numbers 400 times in a month…

22) Hello! You have reached the D.M.V…the next avaible rep will be with you within the next year… (hint..hint..don’t bother leaving a message or calling again.)

23) Hello!.. You’ve reached Spencer’s Adult World!…If you need a specific toy or movie, please leave a message. If you just want my dick, I’ll get back to you faster!

24) Hello!…If you could or would donate some…money or beer towards all those damn minutes being used up on my phone for the bullshit messages you leave, that would be great!!

25) Hello! A message every 5 fucking seconds, takes Spencer’s minutes he doesn’t have to start with, away…..!!

26) Hello!…If your fetish is smelling stinky..butt ugly feet, please leave a fucking message after the fucking beep!

27) Hello!… I’m in the middle of commiting adultery, please call back later…. like 6 hours, no wait…I’ll still be doing it then to, better make it 12 hours…

28) Hello!… I didn’t think I was that important to start with for you to call me…..hold on a second..let me write this down on the calender.

29) Hey it’s you!…It’s obvious that I didn’t want to speak to you from the start! So please don’t bother leaving any messages…it’s a waste of your time and mine!… Have a great day good buddy that I never call back

30) Hello!…O it’s you!….you must want something from me….that’s the only reason you call for! Well…I don’t have any money, cigarettes or beer…so I guess I’ll hear from you again my next pay day. Well..wait…I do have a cock, if you want some of that then leave a message…!!

31) I knew it!….I knew it!!…..I knew it!!!…..Would be you!…You pain in the ass motherfucker!!……Just can’t leave me alone can you!!???

32) Warning!!….Warning!!…..Message Overload!!!……..System is going to self-destruct in 10 Seconds!! 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!

33) Anymore god damn calls from you and Verizon Wireless is going to have to shut down their system for the world, just for you calling me like you do!!

34) I’m not even going to have to make up a smart ass voice message for people anymore, after all the damn calls, my phone is going to start speaking and fending for itself.

35) Thanks to you I had to go to the hospital for ear surgery…..!!!!

36) Hello!!??……..Goodbye!!!!!

37) 20,000 messages is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get and you never know how to stop them from coming….

38) What City..???……………What State….????……..What Listing…??? Sorry…we didn’t understand that listing……please hold for an operator……..

39) Hey!!!! Some people were born with a phone attached to their ear’s, but not me!!!!!

40) Hello!……Sorry!…..Im just to lazy to answer the phone & check my messages…If you want, leave one anyways…..I might get back to you in about 4 years though…..when I finally have enough money to hire a secretary.

41) I have fallen and I can’t get up!! I’m trying to get to the phone but it’s out of reach…..damn!….this fall took alot out of me……..wait…..I think I’m having a heart attack now! You bastard!! All this for your bugging ass!!!!

42) Hello!…..Our specials today are!…….no more god damn fucking messages!!!! -2 for the price of -1

43) Hold on a minute!! I’m trying to burn down your house with you in it at this time….call back when the flames
engulf you…

44) Hello!!…….O God!!!…..What do you want now for Christ’s Sakes!!!

45) [TOILET FLUSHING]……Ok!… now you can you leave your shit! (I am currently using this one LOL!!)

Welp! That’s enough for now, I’ll add some more later when I can come with them lmao!! Tata for now….

Twisted

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