It’s that time of year again, time for sending out Christmas Cards! Isn’t this Christmas card sweet? It’s from a neighbor… It makes ya feel all warm and special, almost Christmagasmic…
Twisted
I HAVE TWO FANS SO FAR! AND I WAS THINKING HOW AWESOME IT WOULD BE TO MAKE MY OWN FAN CLUB! THESE TWO FANS BELOW ARE COOL AS HELL AND HELP KEEP ME GOING THROUGH THE NIGHT, BECAUSE.. THEY ARE JUST SO COOL!
They decided to send me their pictures so I can put them in this post! Well, here they are:
And here is the other one:
If you’d like to join the Fan Club, please feel free to send a picture of yourself! Well…I gotta go and think of another smarted ass fucking post to make….ta ta…for now!
Twisted
FUCKING TWISTED STYLE!
I know it’s suppose to be Mac Donald, but… I said fuck it and made the stupid ass Red-Headed Bitch Clown the owner of the fucking farm. Just picture his ass skating around on the ice with his faggish clown pants and boots singing this song!
Old (Mac) Mc Donald’s Fucking Dumbass Farm! Sing it Pricks!
Old McDumbass Donald had a mc fucking farm,
Ee i ee i mc fucking hoe!
And on his mc stupid ass farm he had some chicks with dicks,
Ee i ee i mc fucking hoe!
With a mc fuck-fuck here,
And a mc fuck-fuck there
Here a mc fuck, there a mc fuck,
Everywhere a mc fuck-fuck
Old McDumbass Donald had a mc fucking stupid ass farm
Ee i ee i mc fucking hoe!
Old Mc Dumbass Donald had a mc stupid ass farm,
Ee i ee i mc fucking hoe!
And on his mc fucking farm he had some whorebags,
Ee i ee i mc fucking hoe!
With a mc sucky sucky 5 dollars here,
And a mc sucky sucky 5 dollars there
Here a mc sucky, there a mc sucky,
Everywhere a mc sucky-sucky
Old Mc Dumbass Donald had a crack whore farm,
Ee i ee i mc fucking hoe!
Old Mc Dumbass Donald had a stupid ass farm,
Ee i ee i mc fucking hoe!
And on his mc stupid ass farm he had some sluts,
Ee i ee i mc fucking hoe!
With a mc fucky-sucky here,
And a mc fucky-sucky there
Here a mc fucky, there a mc sucky,
Everywhere a mc fucky-sucky
Old Mc Dumbass Donald had a slutty farm
Ee i ee i mc fucking hoe!
O jesus! The shit I come up with lmao! Goodnight you clown loving pricks!
You know you are a bipolar if….
1) If 99% of the guys that hangout with you spend all their time kissing your ass rather then
telling you how they really feel about you because they don’t wanna end up getting therapy!
2) 1% of the men are telling you off and how they really feel about you, but you are just too stupid and bitchy to realize your only going to end up with SHIT, because of your BITCHY attitude all the time and you can’t accept it!
3) When no more then 5 seconds into a conversation you start bitching and snapping on someone because of whatever they may have said…even if it’s something nice.
4) You have the nerve to talk about peoples and get them into trouble…but if it happens to you, it’s a sin! And then they have endless HELL and BITCHING to deal with.
5) The first thing that comes outta your mouth in the morning is BITCHING, about something stupid or not..it don’t matter.
6) You are never satistified with anything, no matter what one does to make you happy or please you, YOUR STILL A DAMN BIPOLAR BITCH!
7) Your own therapist needs tons of medications and therapy, and then even his therapist needs tons of meds and therapy!
8) Even if you took 2 times the original amount of medications prescribed by your doctor and everyone still see’s no improvement!
9) The pharmacys do not think they have enough medication to supply the demand for your Bipolarness!
10) While having your period your nice as can be, but when the period is over, you are all
BIPOLAR BITCH again!
11) Someone else’s stupididity pisses you off, but when your being stupid it’s ok.
12) You expect others to take ALL YOUR SHIT and treat you like a fucking PRINCESS! NOT!! DON’T FUCKING THINK SO BITCHES!
13) You treat everyone like shit and use them, and then expect money, material things in-return! AH! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOUR GETTING SHIT FROM ANYONE HAHAHA! REALITY CHECK BITCHES!
14) You can’t stand the fact of being wrong about anything and any issues. You always have to be right! Or you always have to have the last word in any fucking argument! EVEN IF YOUR NOT ALWAYS RIGHT AND YOU JUST WANNA LOOK LIKE MRS. GOODIE GOODIE, BUT REALLY YOUR JUST THE BIGGEST PILE OF SHIT!
15) You treat all the people that are really nice to you like SHIT, but kiss the ass of those that are really being assholes to you!
Twisted
I Love It When…
1) Someone asks to borrow like $5.00 or $10.00 and they say they will pay you back right away…but it takes 5 or 10 years by the time you actually get it back.
2) Someone calls every 5 minutes through out a day to see if that specific person is home yet, when it would be just as easy to get a tracking device put on their vehicle to start with….and make the call when the machine says their home.
3) Someone tries to make trouble or tear other peoples apart just because their “wonderful” relationship sucks.
4) Just because you get “saved” or “baptized”, they expect you to be a perfect Christian as soon as that happens, and your not suppose to do anything wrong…but look who’s talking half of the time.
5) You try and pick a good spot at the movies away from the loud mouths, kids, fat or tall people……but just as your luck goes….you usually get the tall ones in-front of you, the fat ones beside you, the kids behind you and the loud mouths all around you.
6) Someone takes 5 years to get out a 10 word question or comment and then spends a decade trying to ask another question or comment that was asked 4 decades prior and already had an answer to start with……
7) Every time you go to the dept. store the staff comes up to you every 10 seconds asking if you need help……It’s like….you could help me by leaving me alone for at least 15 minutes while I browse around…
8) People throw the blame on you when they are fucking up the shit to start with and expect you not to get upset about it, at all….
Twisted
Them: Hi! Mr. SoAndSo! I’m calling about a debt you haven’t paid on since 99! I was wondering if you’d like to make a payment of at least $50.00? I would just need your checking acct info or credit card….it’s that easy…
You: If it’s so easy, can you make the first $50.00 payment for me…..? Or give me your credit card or checking acct. info so I can make that first payment…?
Them: Hello…Mr. SoAndSo…..I’m calling about a debt that you’ve created in 1999! I was just wondering if you’d like to take care of that today….??
You: Well…! if you haven’t caught on by now…I really didn’t have any intentions on paying anything on it especially if it’s from 1999 and haven’t made one single payment since I created the debt in 1999.
Twisted
Well! I made these twisted messages up that someone would get when calling your cell phone all the damn time driving you nuts! JUST LIKE MY BRO DID TO ME! DROVE ME FUCKIN NUTS! He inspired me to do these lmao!
Ring!….Ring!…..Ring!!!
1) Hello..? I can’t answer the phone the right now….I’m either doing your wife, daughter or girlfriend at the moment. Please try back in about 12 hours….or if you want…just leave a message.
2) Hello…? O it’s you!!!! I haven’t heard a message from you in 5 seconds…. well considering I haven’t answered the phone 5 seconds ago or had returned your call…there a good chance I wouldn’t be this time either….please don’t leave another message for atleast 8 hours…
3) Hello…? Knock Knock… (Who’s there?) No ones here no ones any where….Please don’t leave a fucking message god damn it….
4) Hello..? You have reached Spencer’s Beer Tasting Department…If you would like me to sample beer for you for quality assurance….please leave a message letting me know when your bringing a case over for me to try….thanks for your time..
5) Hello! Hello! God damn reception sucks…..It’s staticy….please leave a message…
6) I knew it!…. I knew it!…. I knew it!… Would be you!…I’m a pyshic motherfucker!
7) O God!….You again!!!!… I thought I told you not to call and leave messages cause I hardly ever get on this phone anymore. So please don’t leave a message….have a nice day.
8) There is a 101 things I could be doing, but obviously answering this phone isn’t one of them…please leave a message if you must!
9) Hello..(sigh) Figures, everytime Im trying to wack off for a 6 or 8 hour session…someone calls to bug me…leave a message if you’d like….I probably won’t reply though for atleast another 12 hours though.
10) O God!… Incoming!!!…Everybody duck!!!
11) Hello! I’m sorry…all those damn messages drove me to an institute, please don’t leave a message god damn it.!
12) Hello!…Hey!…It’s you!…I haven’t heard a message or talked to you in 5 minutes…you know the drill by now! Goodbye you determined to bug others…motherfuckers!
13) Hey!…You just called a second ago, come on now!!! You can’t be that desperate, deprived or in-love…I’m not gay remember…!!!!???
14) I’ll call you back when I’m done doing your girlfriend, wife or daughter…have a nice rest of the day.
15) Buuurrrrrpppp!
16) If your just going to talk shit then so can I….goodbye!!
17) I’m probably wiping my ass at this time, but I’ll call you back when I’m done.
18) Hello!..Hello!….O damn!……You’re breaking up!….Can’t hear you!….click!…click!….
19) Hello!….If you want phone sex-press 1…If you want to make passionate love and crazy circus sex-press 2….for all other iquires press 3…
20) Hello!….O God!…The Human Alarm Clock!..And I thought the alarm clock in my bedroom was annoying.
21) Hello!..It’s people like you that makes people change their numbers 400 times in a month…
22) Hello! You have reached the D.M.V…the next avaible rep will be with you within the next year… (hint..hint..don’t bother leaving a message or calling again.)
23) Hello!.. You’ve reached Spencer’s Adult World!…If you need a specific toy or movie, please leave a message. If you just want my dick, I’ll get back to you faster!
24) Hello!…If you could or would donate some…money or beer towards all those damn minutes being used up on my phone for the bullshit messages you leave, that would be great!!
25) Hello! A message every 5 fucking seconds, takes Spencer’s minutes he doesn’t have to start with, away…..!!
26) Hello!…If your fetish is smelling stinky..butt ugly feet, please leave a fucking message after the fucking beep!
27) Hello!… I’m in the middle of commiting adultery, please call back later…. like 6 hours, no wait…I’ll still be doing it then to, better make it 12 hours…
28) Hello!… I didn’t think I was that important to start with for you to call me…..hold on a second..let me write this down on the calender.
29) Hey it’s you!…It’s obvious that I didn’t want to speak to you from the start! So please don’t bother leaving any messages…it’s a waste of your time and mine!… Have a great day good buddy that I never call back
30) Hello!…O it’s you!….you must want something from me….that’s the only reason you call for! Well…I don’t have any money, cigarettes or beer…so I guess I’ll hear from you again my next pay day. Well..wait…I do have a cock, if you want some of that then leave a message…!!
31) I knew it!….I knew it!!…..I knew it!!!…..Would be you!…You pain in the ass motherfucker!!……Just can’t leave me alone can you!!???
32) Warning!!….Warning!!…..Message Overload!!!……..System is going to self-destruct in 10 Seconds!! 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
33) Anymore god damn calls from you and Verizon Wireless is going to have to shut down their system for the world, just for you calling me like you do!!
34) I’m not even going to have to make up a smart ass voice message for people anymore, after all the damn calls, my phone is going to start speaking and fending for itself.
35) Thanks to you I had to go to the hospital for ear surgery…..!!!!
36) Hello!!??……..Goodbye!!!!!
37) 20,000 messages is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get and you never know how to stop them from coming….
38) What City..???……………What State….????……..What Listing…??? Sorry…we didn’t understand that listing……please hold for an operator……..
39) Hey!!!! Some people were born with a phone attached to their ear’s, but not me!!!!!
40) Hello!……Sorry!…..Im just to lazy to answer the phone & check my messages…If you want, leave one anyways…..I might get back to you in about 4 years though…..when I finally have enough money to hire a secretary.
41) I have fallen and I can’t get up!! I’m trying to get to the phone but it’s out of reach…..damn!….this fall took alot out of me……..wait…..I think I’m having a heart attack now! You bastard!! All this for your bugging ass!!!!
42) Hello!…..Our specials today are!…….no more god damn fucking messages!!!! -2 for the price of -1
43) Hold on a minute!! I’m trying to burn down your house with you in it at this time….call back when the flames
engulf you…
44) Hello!!…….O God!!!…..What do you want now for Christ’s Sakes!!!
45) [TOILET FLUSHING]……Ok!… now you can you leave your shit! (I am currently using this one LOL!!)
Welp! That’s enough for now, I’ll add some more later when I can come with them lmao!! Tata for now….
Twisted
Below here is some twisted jokes or whatever I had made up while being on the shitter taking a big ass SHIT! They might not be really funny but…deal with it fuckers!
You Know You’re Cheap When…
1) You think everything in the Dollar General Store is too expensive…and can’t wait for them to mark things down.
2) You find yourself browsing through the blue boxes late at night, so people won’t notice you…
3) You go and put outfits into the blue boxes and then casually get out other outfits that catches your eye….
4) You stoop so low to go to a nursing home randomly picking residents, telling them this big story of being a long lost grandchild and try to convince them to put you on their will for some cash and possible property….
5) If you bring your own snacks to the movie theater…
6) If you put M&Ms on lay away….
7) You want to make a holiday called, National Coupon Day…
8) You try and get a $10.00 item with two $5.00 off coupons…
9) You wanna try and convince the gov’t to allow Monolopy money as a backup currency…
10) You can’t afford to throw in your two cents on anything cause that’s dipping into your life savings…
11) When you jump for joy at all the “Free For The Taking” ads in the newspaper and have to be the first one there to pick the stuff up, no matter what it is….
12) When you think the shoes in a Payless Shoe Store are too expensive.
13) When you find yourself asking friends to buy you happy meals here and there at Mc Donalds so you can get the toys for the kids to have something for Christmas morning.
14) When you stoop so low to the point of claiming to be one of those homeless or starving kids in Africa so you’d get donations a month.
15) When it comes time to sell or get rid of your house, it’s just really a matter of taking the cardboard box to the recycle bin.
16) When you can’t wait to get your bank statement to see how much interest was added on to that knickel you had in your account.
17) When you can’t wait until Sunday for church or (Pay Day)….being that you sit in the last pew so that when you put your 10% in the offering bowl you nonchalantly take out 10% of the total, from the bowl.
18) When you only use one sheet of toilet tissue when wiping your ass and you have it in your head that anymore than that at a time is losing a knickel a sheet.
19) Your the only one getting a refund on calling waiting.
20) When you go out to eat, & you ask to see if you can pay for the bill by working in the kitchen or dishroom.
I hope you liked them….more might be coming soon then lol!
Twisted
